Do you know how I know I am completely done having babies? I know I've said I am, but do you want to know how I know I am? It's simple, really. When I used to see a pregnant woman, and believe me, when you have little kids you see them everywhere--pre-school, elementary school, Target, grocery store, gymnastics and every other activity the kids go to, EVERYWHERE--I would get all sad and mopey and want to be pregnant and think about what life would be like with another baby. Now I just look at them and think, "thank God it isn't me".
You see, family planning didn't come easy for us. I got pregnant with Andy in a flash so I assumed that would be the case with all of my children. When we finally decided to start trying for number two it took a year and a half with the assistance of a crazy, quacky doctor. I can't discredit him 100%, because he did get me pregnant, but I would not recommend him to anyone. Then, with number three, it took me about a year to convince Charlie it was a good idea (which now I'm starting to see why he didn't think it really was) and then almost a year of trying before we got Amanda. So, it was a lot of work, and I spent a lot of time staring at pregnant women in angst. So it just amazes me now that when I see someone who is going to have a baby instead of wishing it was me I can just say, "oh, look, a pregnant woman, it must really suck to be her right now".
Hand in hand with that, is the termination of nursing Amanda. It's funny. With Andy I only did it for six months and then it was just too hard to work and pump and nurse. With Sarah I did it for a year but as soon as the doctor told me she could have milk I gave it to her and cut her off immediately. I was so done. With Amanda, it's just different. Maybe because she's my last one, maybe because she finds it very comforting, maybe because when I'm in a pinch and I haven't fed my daughter (unfortunately with our crazy schedule this happens more than I would like) I can nurse her to tide her over a couple of hours. I don't know what it is this time, what exactly is different, but I am very sad to stop nursing.
It's not like I nurse her all the time. By the time she hit a year she was only nursing 3-4 times a day. Once the doctor said I could give her milk I stopped nursing her during the day and only nursed first thing in the morning and before bed. The last week or two it's only been at bed, and last night I stopped. Sigh. My parents are coming next week to watch the kids while we go on a work trip of Charlie's. When we asked them they were happy to come, but my mom kept asking, "Are you going to wean the baby?". She has a valid point, it's not really fair to leave a nursing baby with Grandma. I know she has different expectations from Mommy than Grandma, but we'll be gone for four days. She needs to be done. I know she needs to stop, and I'm doing it, I'm just not happy about it. It makes me sad. It's that one special bond that we still had, the time when she wanted nobody except Mommy, and now it's over.
So our baby stage is coming to a close. Maybe that's why I'm so sad. No more babies. Only kids, who yell and talk back and hit and fight and...tell you they love you. Amanda won't nurse anymore, but when I ask her for a kiss she'll give me a nice open-mouthed tonguefess and a great big hug too. She runs to the door when Charlie comes home, just like the big kids, and giggles when you tickle her and roll around on the floor. She's turning into one fun little kid. I'll get past the sadness, because with this sadness also comes freedom and maybe even the ability to get back into shape, and there are so many good things yet to come.
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