Tragedy

As much as I'd like to pretend the tragic events from yesterday at Sandy Hook Elementary didn't happen, I can't just make my next post about some silly anecdote about the misdoings of my kids without addressing this first.  I first heard about the shooting while I was exercising at the gym.  The t.v. on my treadmill was broken so I was stuck watching the Lifetime Fitness channel, but I could see CNN across the room.  It was pretty early in the story and at the time they were reporting that only three people had been killed.  I was saddened but thankful that the casualties were so small.

I picked Amanda up from school, we ran a quick errand and then came home.  When I turned on the t.v. I found out the real story.  I watched for a little bit but didn't really want it on with Amanda home, so I turned to social media.  I read post after post on Facebook from moms that were devastated and praying and wondering if they should go pick their kids up early from school, just because they wanted to be with them and hold them and make sure they were okay.  I knew my kids were safe, but I completely understood that urge to go to them.

When it was finally time to get them I noticed more parents at pick-up than normal, and definitely more fathers.  It was comforting and sad at the same time.  I didn't want to say anything to the kids before talking to Charlie and felt a strong need to do something with them besides letting them bicker at home so everybody was really happy to go out for frozen yogurt.  We didn't end up discussing it with them last night because we had a babysitter coming and didn't want to leave her with the aftermath.

In the middle of the night, Sarah showed up at my bedside.  When I asked her what she needed, all she said was "I want to be with you."  Normally I would have shooed her back to her room, or reluctantly gotten up to take her myself, but this time I invited her to crawl in bed with me.  She stayed for a little bit then had to go to the bathroom and decided she would get back in her own bed.  I didn't really say anything to her when she was in bed with me, she just needed some reassurance from me that I was there.

This afternoon Andy and I went out and he asked me why the flags were at half-staff.  I told him that we would talk about it with Daddy tomorrow but that there had been a shooting.  "At midnight, like the other one?" he asked me.  "No, this was different, but we'll talk about it tomorrow."  Why in the world do I have to explain to my nine-year-old about mass shootings twice in less than six months?

I would do anything to have to avoid this conversation with the kids and have them go on being blissfully ignorant, but unfortunately that can't happen.  Other people are going to tell their kids and they will find out about it at school, so if we don't tell them they are going to hear bits and pieces here and there and come to conclusions by themselves and their imaginations will run wild.  Then it won't be just every once in awhile that Sarah turns up at my bedside and it won't be just for a few minutes.

My heart goes out to all the people of Newtown that were impacted by this terrible tragedy.  To the parents who have lost their babies and would do anything to hug them and tell them they love them one last time.  To the kids who lost friends and teammates and parents and teachers.  To the people who lost neighbors and church members and co-workers.  The entire community.  I am so saddened and angry for these people and for everyone that has to sit down with their children and explain the actions of a crazy man.

None of this makes sense, and none of it is fair and there are absolutely no words that can make this post end in an uplifting way.