Today I am tired. Yes I am physically tired because we don't go to sleep at a reasonable hour and then our kids wake us up too early, and because I haven't been going to yoga, but I'm talking about mentally tired.
I'm tired of taking Sarah to the cardiologist, neurologist, urologists and whatever other ologist. Of her not behaving and doing what I or the doctor ask, of not answering their questions whether straight out or in a coy way, of running around the waiting and exam rooms with Amanda and being loud and disrespectful. I'm tired of both of them trying to crawl all over me and fight for my lap and attention while I'm trying to talk to the doctor and her stooping to such a level that the baby is actually more well-behaved than she is. Of me losing my temper and saying things in front of the doctor that I shouldn't and I regret and that I look like a horrible mother that doesn't teach her kids any manners. Of having to apologize repeatedly to said doctor for all three of us. That Sarah's behavior is so distracting that the doctor has to remove her from the room to "go play" with the front office staff so we can finish our conversation. I'm tired of paying for braces and MRIs and yoga and co-pays and everything else that goes along with her condition. Mostly I'm just tired that we are dealing with all of this to begin with.
On top of that I'm tired of an almost two-year-old who cries and yells and me all the time and gets mad at me because I don't know what "ba" means, a five-year-old that cries and whines and complains and is all whoa-is-me most of the day, and an eight-year-old that thinks he knows everything and talks to me most of the time like I'm a pile of crap. Such is the life with young children.
I know that I am so so lucky that Sarah is alive. That her situation could be so much worse - believe me I have seen many kids at her therapy office that weren't so lucky. And that a lot of the reason that she acts the way she does when we go to the doctor is because she's worried and scared and doesn't know that they aren't going to hurt her. But just because she can walk and isn't paralyzed and doesn't have brain damage doesn't mean that the situation doesn't still sucks, because it's not going to go away any time soon. And today is one of those days when I can't help but let it get to me.
Maybe tomorrow will be different. Maybe in the near future this will all be a distant memory and maybe, just maybe, someday I will miss the simplicity of this life over the complexity of the current one. But today I'm just tired.
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