Probably Not a Candidate For Mother of the Year

I have not been feeling like a very good mom lately.  More specifically, I've been feeling like a very crappy mom.  The kids don't listen to me at all, they don't really seem to want to be with me that much, and I have lost all sense of control.  I especially feel that spiraling with Amanda.  I'm not sure what I did differently or wrong with her than the other two, but she wants to do things her way and could care less about what I want.  It is a constant negotiation or battle with her.  Yet again, she's three so that could be a lot of it.

I'm kind of at a loss and have been feeling a little down about it.  What makes it worse is that it's the last month of school and during the last month of school there are a million activities and shows and end of the year things that for some reason they are unable to spread out throughout the year.  So as things are winding down and all the parents are trying to get as much done as possible before the kids are home for weeks on end in the summer, the school is trying to get you to come to everything.  Field trips, shows, donuts with Moms, it goes on and on.

Last week Andy brought home a permission slip for a field trip.  It's at a place that is actually only about five minutes from our house.  He asked if I could come.  I'm happy he still wants me to come on his field trips, because some fourth grade boys are not interested in having their mom around anymore, but it's very difficult for me to do school functions when I have Amanda (not to mention that I have to take and pick her up from school) and the school rarely wants siblings to attend anything so I declined.  I could see he was really disappointed but there's not much I can do.

Today I was helping Sarah do her Spanish homework, which is really difficult since she probably knows more Spanish than I do.  Charlie was supposed to help her over the weekend but we got busy and forgot (which sadly we do a lot when it comes to Spanish homework) and the class is tomorrow so it needed to be done.  Let me just say this, it didn't go well.  It was late and she was tired and she didn't want to do it and neither did I.  We had to do everything through a translator because some of the words I didn't know and some I wasn't sure of the tense.  We weren't very happy with each other when we were done.

Then Sarah started talking about her field trip, which is the week after Andy's.  She told me that I could come but I couldn't ride the bus and I had to stop her and tell her I wouldn't be able to make it.  I think that pushed her over the top because she started telling me how I never do anything for her (remember the birthday party she had three days ago?) and I don't care and I don't like her and so on.  I should have just ignored it all but I'm not so good at that so finally I said, "Sarah, you're doing a really great job of making me feel like a horrible mom."  Her response?  "Well you're doing a really great job of making me feel like a horrible daughter."  Touche.

At that point I told her it was time for bed, which it was, and we needed to go upstairs.  I let her go into the bedroom and I stopped on the stairs to momentarily check Facebook and someone had posted this poem:

Today I was awakened by the sound of shuffling feet.
It was my early-bird riser in her big sister’s pajamas that drug across the floor.
I wanted to pull the covers over my head and feign sleep.
But instead I got up and made toaster waffles that she said tasted “divine.”
She kissed me with syrupy sweet lips.
Getting up wasn’t my first response. But I did it.
Today I lived.

Today she lost her shoes for the 37th time in two weeks.
It was right before we needed to head out the door.
I wanted to scream, to scold, to throw my hands in the air.
But instead I held her. I held her. My shoeless girl.
Together we found them wet with dew in the backyard and she whispered, “Sorry, I am forgetful, Mama.”
Being calm wasn’t my first response. But I did it.
Today I lived.

Today the birds chirped noisily through the open back door.
Their cheerful chatter seemed to accentuate the deadlines, the laundry, the mess piled up around me.
I wanted to slam the door and silence the temptation; there was so much to do.
But instead I put on my running shoes and my favorite hat.
With each step, I got closer to what mattered and farther from what didn’t.
Letting go wasn’t my first response. But I did it.
Today I lived.

Today I stood in front of the mirror sizing myself up.
It was apparent that stress and lack of sleep had left their mark.
I wanted to dissect each wrinkle, pinch each layer of soft skin
But instead I looked away and said, “Not today. Only love today.”
Loving myself wasn’t my first response. But I did it.
Today I lived.

Today I threw together a simple dinner and scooped it onto the plate.
It looked pathetic and unappealing.
I wanted to question my worthiness based on my cooking skills.
But instead I hollered, “Let’s eat outside on the porch! Everything tastes better outside.”
Offering myself grace wasn’t my first response. But I did it.
Today I lived.

Today I was on a mission to tuck my child into bed as quickly as possible.
It had been a tiring day, and I just wanted to be alone.
She asked if she could listen to my heartbeat.
Reluctantly, I lay down beside her and she drew her head to my chest.
“We have the same heartbeat,” she announced.
“How do you know?” I asked expecting some child-like reasoning, but instead her poignant response brought me to my knees.

“Because you are my mom.”

And there it was. My confirmation.

To choose to stay when I want to retreat.
To choose to forgive when I want to condemn.
To choose to love when I want to attack.
To choose to hope when I want to doubt.
To choose to stand when I want to fall.

Today I lived.
It wasn’t my first response.
But I share the same heartbeat with two precious souls.
And that’s enough to get me through the day.

I will choose to live again tomorrow.
-Rachel Macy Stafford: Hands Free Mama

It was what I needed to calm down a little, take a step back, and realize that tomorrow is another day.  I am not perfect and there are many days when I am not great, but we'll keep plugging along and hopefully when they are older they will remember the good days and not the bad.  I need to not be so hard on myself, but I'd like to think that the good mothers are because the bad mothers don't know the difference.

Picture of the Day

The birthday girl.

Brithday Parties and BBQs

This past weekend was the first of our action packed weekends in May.  Since Sarah's birthday, my birthday and Mother's Day all fall in this month, it's a little stressful for Charlie and filled with lots of celebration.  I had originally scheduled Sarah's birthday party next weekend, since her birthday is on a Saturday this year, but Charlie told me he had something special planned for me on Saturday and I needed to change it.  I was happy and annoyed all at the same time.  Luckily I had not sent out the invitations yet and it was super easy to change so everything went smoothly.  The only thing that stressed me out was that nobody in this world knows how to RSVP to anything so I had to hunt a few people down to find out if I needed two or three lanes for bowling.

That's what Sarah picked for her party this year, bowling.  We don't bowl a lot, but that is one consistent activity we do as a family and we usually have a pretty good time.  So we invited all the girls in her class and one neighbor and then slowly, painfully waited for all the RSVPs to come in.  Luckily with the one friend that we let Andy bring so he didn't annoy the girls, Andy and Amanda we had exactly enough people before having to add a lane.  Everybody had a good time, or so it seemed, they had pizza and cake, bowled and opened presents and then it was over.  Wonderful.  One of the most low key, easy parties we have ever done.  Not as awesome as the glow-in-the-dark gymnastics party we did last year, but perfect for this year.

Saturday afternoon the girls played with Sarah's presents while I made cookies and Andy played at a friend's house until Charlie took him to yet another birthday party.  The girls were exhausted by about 7p so it ended up working out pretty well.  Sunday morning we got up and took the girls to swimming and then did a few last minute things for a small BBQ we were having.  I have a couple of high school classmates that live nearby that I really wasn't close with but knew and haven't even seen since we graduated.  We decided since we still don't have any friends that we need to start somewhere so we invited them over.  They turned out to be really cool people.  We also invited a family that just moved from the town where we lived in Texas.  We didn't do anything socially with them there, but our kids went to the same preschool and I know how hard it is to make friends so though they could use a break from all the unpacking.  Charlie also invited a friend from work that used to work with him at the airline.

So a small group, but still entertaining and everybody seemed to get along pretty well.  I forgot how much we love to entertain and have people over, even people we don't know that well.  I've missed it more than I realize.  Sunday afternoon after everyone left Charlie played some Wii with the girls while I went on a nine mile walk.  I haven't really walked since I rolled my ankle on Easter and since I am supposed to do a 1/2 marathon in two weeks I decided I better get a few miles in.  It wasn't pretty, but I got it done.

This weekend is Sarah's real birthday and my surprise (which I thought was for Mother's Day but apparently is for my birthday which is the following weekend) and three baseball games for Andy.  A few days later my niece comes in and then my brother-in-law.  It will be crazy, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Kid Quote of the Day

Amanda:  Mommy, I'm hungry.

Me:  Me too!

Amanda:  Mommy, can I have candy?

Me:  That isn't really food.

Amanda:  Please?!?  I'll be your best friend.  I will never, ever be your best friend if you don't let me have candy before lunch.

Pleasant Surprise

When babies are little you talk about the witching hour.  That is the time when it is either getting close to their bedtime and they are about the have a massive meltdown or when they are up past their bedtime and in the middle of a meltdown.  They can't communicate to you that it's coming, but you know it is.  Well, it doesn't just happen with babies.

Amanda's time is 7:00.  She starts to get really cranky around 6:00-6:30 and if she doesn't eat by 7:00 she is a nightmare.  Usually eating gives her a little more energy and therefore a little more time, but most nights she is crying and begging me for food while I am trying to make dinner.  I refuse to feed her because I don't want it to replace the real food we are having at meal time, and it is a delicate balance that I most often lose.

Last night it was the same thing.  Andy came up from his man cave in the basement right about 7:00 and Amanda was already moaning and groaning about how she cannot eat peas because she hates peas.  I said, "Andy, Amanda's crying, what time is it?" just to see what he would say.  He immediately answered "seven o'clock" and smiled.  We've had this discussion before and I've explained to him that if Amanda is losing it, it is most likely around 7:00.  A little inside joke with my 10-yr-old.  I wish we had more and they weren't filled with so much conflict.

So Amanda complained all through dinner that she couldn't eat peas and she was so so tired and her pasta didn't have enough alfredo sauce on it and whatever else she could think of to complain about.  She just really wanted to go to bed.  Then Sarah started in.  She was tired too and blah, blah, blah.  I don't know, I can't remember it all and it starts to turn into whining so I just shut it out.

Of course once they have eaten, and yes Amanda ate all her peas because dessert was on the line and she likes dessert more than she hates peas, they are full of energy and start running all over the house.  This isn't just an expression, they were really running up and down the halls and in a big loop from the living room to the dining room to the kitchen.  They weren't doing it quietly either, especially since we have wood floors, they were yelling and laughing and pounding on the floor.

Eventually we finally got the kids to head upstairs while Charlie and I finished eating and picking up the dishes.  Lately bedtime is such a battle because they go upstairs and then just start giggling and tickling and messing with Andy and goofing off.  I hate it.  Hate. It.  But last night they decided to surprise us.  All three kids got dress in their pajamas, brushed their teeth and went to the bathroom before we got upstairs.  Charlie kind of clued into what was going on so stopped me on the steps and we just hung out for a bit.  Andy read the girls two books and then they got into bed.  When we finally decided it was safe to go into the bedroom the girls were already tucked into their bed and only needed a kiss goodnight.

So nice, so refreshing, so wish they would do that at least once a week.

Kid Quote of the Day

"Spring is not my favorite season anymore.  Now my favorite season is summer."

-Sarah, after we had a ridiculous amount of snow in April and it is supposed to snow again tomorrow.

Three, It's a Magic Number

I've been here before.  It's like a broken record.  Except it's not the kids repeating themselves, it's me.  I'm not talking about the fact that they don't listen to a thing I say.  That's not "oh, I've done this before" that's an ongoing struggle of "why do I have to yell before you will listen to what I say".  I hate that too, so so much.  I need to find a new trick, like whispering.  I have a friend who says her kids know they are in big trouble when she starts to whisper.  Then they listen.

What am I talking about?  I am being kind of cryptic.  I'm talking about one child not understanding why another child does something.  More specifically, the older child not quite understanding why the younger child says and does so many stupid things.  I cannot tell you how many times in one week my response to a question from Sarah, and occasionally Andy, is "because she's three".  There is no reason because she is unreasonable.

The funny thing is that I went through the same thing with Andy when Sarah was three.  He was always asking why she would do things that to him seemed absolutely ridiculous and she should have known better.  Nope Buddy, she's three.  He didn't like it and neither does Sarah.

There must be some point in the older child's life where they stop thinking of their younger sibling as a baby and start to, somewhat, think of them as an equal.  They can talk, they can go to the bathroom (almost), they can pretty much do everything the older child can do.  So why don't they think the way the older one does?  Oh yeah, that's because they're three.  They aren't there yet.  But the older kid doesn't get that and so they are just incredulous to the things that the younger kid does.  Over and over again.  It never sinks in.  Which is why I have to just keep saying "because she's three".

I can't remember at what point they catch up.  Well, honestly, Andy still thinks Sarah is an idiot but I think that's more because of who Andy is than how Sarah behaves.  I do have to every once in awhile tell him to knock it off "because she is only six".  I'm really hoping Amanda's craziness tapers off in the next six months so we can move on to a new line of questioning.  Oh, I also hope that Sarah gets to a point where she stops asking me why people do things instead of asking the people who are doing those things (even if they are right in front of me when she asks), but that is wishful thinking.

Can you hear me banging my head from where you are?